What you all have been waiting for...A non-sarcastic post.

I started to process something a few months back.

My bride and I were doing a nightly devotional reading and we read one about the way your partner sees you.  Now there is a thought. How does Kari "see" me?

-as a mechanical, manly genius?
-as a balding, middle-aged man?
-as a sarcastic, witty guy...that one is a given.
-as a Godly, in love with Jesus guy?
-as a fire-building, Carhart-wearing outdoors-man?

Just how does she view me?  And more importantly, what image am I giving her and living out in front of her?
The question that came to me is this..

Am I being the man I want to be? The man my wife needs me to be? The man God has called me to be?

-am I good man?
-am I a trusting man?
-am I a praying man?
-am I a hardworking man?
-am I a brave man?
-am I a loving man?
-am I a caring man?
-am I a courageous man?
-am I a fair man?

These are the things I desire to be, the things I hope to be to my wife, and to my future child.  The man I want to be is a man that is all of those things.  I know I am not perfect, but my goal is that man.

Chill Kinda Day

I got pretty dang excited last night.

EXCITED.

And it all started with a simple beautiful little phrase out of my brides mouth.  She looked across the room at me with her stunning gaze, smiled and said, "why don't we have a chill day tomorrow?"

I know it may not sound all that wonderful, but for those of you who know my wife know that a day to just stop and chill does not happen to often.  She is a gal that always has a list and is always trying to cross things off.  She does not stop very well.  I even have to make her promise me these days to take a nap when I go to work.  I gently remind her she is pregnant and how good it is for her. Other than those days it seems to be a steady pace with her.

So, for her to say "let's have a chill day" made my heart leap.

my mind flooded quickly with things like...

we could rent movies and stay in our pajamas all day.
we could build a love nest and snuggle on the floor while we do that
we could make snacks and not have a real meal all day
we could nap 3 times with no guilt
we could read
we could talk to our baby
we could re-energize

ahhh now that is a great chill day....I am ready for it; GREAT IDEA WIFEY!

But than she spoke her next sentence..
"we could vacuum and dust the upstairs, you could get the dimmer switch in, we could go to the garden and get the potatoes out and clean out all the plants that are done, and we can end the day battling the blackberry prickers getting the fruit God obviously never wanted us to get."

Yup.  Her idea of chill is way different from mine. Different.

Here is to having a chill kinda day.  The married way.

Maybe next time I will have to suggest the love nest chill kinda day.

CSM<><

I am worth $1.50

I am finding sometimes TRUE change is hard. Very hard.

This past week my beautifully pregnant wife has been getting ready for a garage sale.  Which is a very normal thing for a couple to do.  When they have a bunch of stuff they have collected over the years together that they just do not need anymore.  They put them in their garage and sell their stuff.

A few questions should arrive in your mind at this point. Two actually.

1. They have only been married for a year, how much stuff could they have possibly collected?

2. Chris, where has all your stuff that "did not make the cut" get put?

The answer to both of these questions is we have had a lot of my stuff lovingly packed in boxes in our garage, and it is now spread out on tables with price tags slapped on them.

When I got home from work the other day I walked through the garage looking at all my stuff trying to convince my wife why we should not get rid of it.  It was like the day had finally come when I had to get rid of all that stuff I had when I was a bachelor.  It was one thing to "change" when all my stuff was still near packed into boxes, but it is another thing to see price tags on all of it.

Yesterday turned into me trying to convince her why...and her trying to convince me why not!

She said "Chris, think of all the money we will have earned from this!" I looked down at all of my things with $0.10 and $0.25 markings on them.  I said what? We will make a buck fifty of this stuff!  And that is when it hit me  My old life was worth $1.50.

Truth.

My life now is invaluable.  There is no way I could ever put a price on my life, my wife, my baby.  The way I feel when I am home having a conversation, eating, sharing, caring for one another.  It makes me look at all of that old stuff and makes me think how easy it is to put value on it. Even if it is only $1.50.

Between you and me though I may or may not have rescued a few things when her back was turned.  That is our little secret though!

CSM<><

Moments

Do you ever have those brief moments where all the haziness of life diffuses out and for a brief moment all makes sense and is clear?  I just had one. Right now. So many thoughts in one brief moment.

Here is my little moment:

I woke up from a nap, which was lovely.  I looked across at my sleeping wife enjoying her own afternoon nap.   As I stared at her (In a completely non creeperish way) it hit me.

I married this women.  What a moment.
She is having my baby. What a moment.
We are going to be parents. What a moment.
We get to raise our child together. What a moment.
My heart bursts with love and anticipation. What a moment.
We can and will do this. Together. What a moment.
There is no one else I would rather have at my side. What a moment.

All that hit me in that one brief moment of seeing my bride sleeping.  Good thing she did not catch me.  Maybe I will tell her about it when she wakes up.  But as she sleeps, you all get to read it first.

CSM

The thoughts of a teacher in the summer...

It has been far too long since I have written.  I suppose I could tell you a million reasons why life has been too busy for me to blog, but all of that would be excuses.  The honest truth is that I never really know what to write about.  This has given me a new appreciation for those wide eyed first and second graders that look at me when I ask them to write on a daily basis with a frustrated look on their faces and say, "Mrs. Maki, I don't know what to write about."  In reality, there are a million things I can and should be writing about.  However, I'm a bit intimidated by the husbands humor and the fact that my posts never end up that way.  I guess I need to learn to be okay with that.  My posts just have a different flare. 

I have to admit that my thoughts as of late have had to do with mostly one topic, BABY!  That's right, at eighteen weeks into this pregnancy, the baby is consuming almost all of my thoughts and energy.  The projects on my to-do list are either directly or indirectly related to the baby coming.  Yes, completing the nursery is on the list, but so is finishing that t-shirt quilt I promised my husband last summer because, "if I don't do it now, I won't do it with a newborn infant." 

I've learned that everyone asks pregnant woman, "how are you feeling."  I do it too, so I shouldn't be surprised, but the reality is that as a pregnant woman, you kind of get sick of answering this question.  I'm sure that things will change as the pregnancy goes on.  But, right now, I will just embrace the fact that I have been feeling awesome!  The nausea is gone from the first trimester.  The totally huge, baby taking over my body feeling of the third trimester has not occurred yet.  I'm just enjoying the second trimester.  The joy and awe of a 5.6 inch baby with fingernails and organs growing inside of me is overwhelming. 

There have been a couple of times when I've wondered if I'm feeling the baby move, but I'm not really sure.  The placenta is also on the anterior wall of the uterus, so my doctor told me that I may feel movement later than most.  Next week I go back to the doctor for my check up, and we have our "anatomy ultra sound" scheduled at the hospital for the second week in August.  We are not going to find out sex of the baby, as we are very excited for the surprise at delivery, but are still excited to see the baby again and hopefully learn that all is well in its development. 

I've been reading, reading, reading, and learning lots about pregnancy, delivery, and infant care.  I have to admit that I was pretty geeked to get our first package of cloth diapers that we ordered.  Ask me about them after changing and washing them for a year and I may feel differently, but as for now, I'm excited about our decision.  Now, I'm just waiting for our bedding to arrive.  It was back-ordered, so I'll be waiting for a while.  Really, I can relate the waiting and preparation for a baby to that of the waiting and preparation for our wedding.  While it seems you are ready and can hardly wait, you're never quite prepared for all that's in store.  I guess I'll find out in December.  The good news is that all the waiting and preparation for our wedding/marriage was totally worth it, and I couldn't be more thankful for the outcome.  The most exciting part of all of this is that I've been able to share both of these times of waiting with Chris.  It truly does make the waiting so much better to be able to share it with someone you love and to view the same situation from each others different perspectives.  I am so excited to see him as a dad.  I know he's going to be a great one!

So, there is a window into my heart and mind lately.  The reality is, we all have lots to share, but we sometimes don't know how to put a title on it or put it into story form.  We have to start somewhere...that's what drafting is all about!  I have so much to share with those second graders in a few weeks!

My Future.

I saw my future today.

I was walking in the the grocery store picking up a few things and I saw this old couple.  The man was pushing the cart.  That's what I do.

The women was carrying the list, checking things off, and pointing at where to go next. That's what she does.

There were bring your own, be green, and love your earth bags in the cart. That's what we do.

The man was wearing a polo looking like a stud.  Just like me

The women was wearing stylish trendy fun clothes. Just like her.

They than entered the check out line with me behind them. And yes I know this seems stalkerish, but it was mind boggling as I watched them.

He pushed the cart in with his wife in front as he stood back looking at the magazines and candy.  Just like me.

She unloaded the grocery in neat little piles or organization.  Just like she does.

They then paid and walked away.

I took care of my bill and walked outside and to my pleasant surprise they were right there.

He was there staring at her looking bored/confused/with a wondering gaze.  Just like I do.

She was examining every line of the receipt making sure is was not one cent off. Just like she does.

He than pushed the cart away, this time forever.  But I need to admit, I wanted to chase down the old man and give him a giant hug and just say "I understand, I get ya! I feel ya.  You are my future, I am living your life old man!"  I didn't do any of that though.  I just smiled and felt content in my future. One I gladly embrace.

CSM

our eyes.

I think I am blind.  If not blind, I for sure do not see all that well sometimes.  Just ask my wife, she will tell you the same thing.  My blindness comes in interesting forms though.

-I don't always see a pair of socks I took off and left on the floor

-I don't always see the "to do" list left for me on the counter (but I will set my coffee cup right on top of it)

-I do not always see the dust in the windows

-I do not always see the bed needing to be made

-I do not always see when the laundry needs to be taken down out of the bathroom

-I do not always see the bath mat left on the floor after a shower

-I do not always see the EXACT moment the lawn needs to be mowed.

Blindness. 

I have it.

You know who does see everyone of these things?  You got it. My wife. She sees. Well. Very well.

The truth of the matter is, I have felt a little guilty about this.  I have tried to work hard to see these things a little better. But, the guilt has left. Yes, you read that right the GUILT HAS LEFT!  And it happened just the other day....

So, I finally received real TV.  It has been something I have been working towards since I have been married over a year ago. And we finally just got DISH network.  Needless to say I was pretty excited to come home and check out my new prize. When I walked through the door from work I rushed to check it out.  My lovely wife was sitting in the living room (with the new DISH on). What would you think she had on with the vast new world of channels? She had on her normal free local news. BORING.  The thing is even that was alright. why? HD. That is right, the local channel in HD. I looked at her and said do you see that clarity of the HD? Her response....I can't tell. I can't see.

WHAT?

Guilt left me right in that moment. Gone. Just like that. OK, maybe I can not see some things, but you my lovely bride can not see the awesomeness of that HD.  Even.  That is what we are. Completely even.

Here is what I have learned in the last day.  We all see things differently and I am OK with that.  

I am a Know. It. All.

If you have kids you may not want to read on: You have been warned. Take nothing personally.

Here is the thing.  I have worked with kids for the past 11 years.  In those 11 years I have become what you may call...a- Know. It. All.  I have prided myself on learning the talk, learning how to reason, learning what kids like and don't like (even when it comes to how they are parented), I have read the books,  planned and sat through the seminars.  And through it all I have watched.  I have watched how kids have been parented, how they are punished, (or not punished in some cases). In all of my watching over these years I always have asked myself the question "what would I do with my kids in that situation?" so I have developed "all of the answers" in the past 11 years.

I have found that my wife also is a little bit of a Know. It. All.  She too has worked with little kids for the past 10 years.  In her time as a teacher she too has worked hard on her path of becoming a professional in understanding kids, parents, and how they work.  She has gone on to even become a specialist in education to fully understand kids and how they work and function.  In her time as a teacher she to has watched. Yes, watched. In her watching she too has seen how parents behave, how kids respond to certain things and has asked herself the same question as she has watched in the past 10 years "What would I do in that situation as a parent?"

Because both of us have watched so much we now sit back and openly discuss parenting techniques as they happen before our very eyes.  One of us will say...did you see that? Or did you hear that? And we than give the "right answer of how we would have handled that situation. It has made us into Know. It. Alls.

Even as we were on vacation this past week we watched how people parented from France, Mexico, England, and even some places we did not know the language. So, we became international Know. It. Alls.
We had all the answers, we knew exactly how to handle each situation.

We keep coming up with the same conclusion. We are going to be AWESOME parents. AWESOME.
Just ask us.

Here is the irony of all of this.  We don't have a kid. We have one on the way, but we really don't have one.  We truly have no idea of what parenting is going to be like, we have no idea of how our child is going to behave.  We have no clue of how we really will act in each of those situations.  We are rookies.

Being a Know. It. All. is going to do nothing for us because the truth is we know nothing. Nothing.  I hope that as we learn to be parents just a little bit of what we have learned in the past years will be applicable, but it is just like God to toss us a curve ball and allow us the gift of relearning everything we thought we knew.

So, I guess I need to apologize to all you parents out there that have been watched by me.  The answers may not be as simple as I once thought. I hope that when you watch me with my kids you are giving me a little grin knowing that I am a recovering Know. It. All.

CSM<><

Life

Today I had a great day.  I was outside.  I finished up a little fire pit project, I mowed our lawn, I tilled the garden.  And being outside by myself I had time to think today.  What was I thinking about?  A great question. My answer.  One simple word that has so much new meaning to me.

Life.

My beautiful bride and I have have stepped into a brand new view of that word ever since we found out we were pregnant.  I have been through a lot of stages of meaning with that simple little word.

First, life was my own.  I was in charge. My desires. My wants. My schedule.

Once I said "I do" the word  life took on a whole different meaning.  I learned that my previous view on that word was very selfish, very one sided and made me the center of my own universe.  Marriage has helped me realize many things, but one of the greatest is that "life" is a shared thing.  That I need to consider her before myself, that I need to think about: Her desires. Her wants. Her schedule.  The word life and what it looks like as a shared thing has given it so much more depth and meaning to me.

Now we have created life.  I see why God has put these things in order the way he has because our marriage and my realizations on life, shared life, has helped prepare me for the creation of life.  I hope that I can now not only put my wife before myself, but put my child before myself as well.  I want to be able to raise this baby with my wife in such a selfless giving way that the baby will experience love just by watching how I care for it.

This I know, that my definition of the word life will continue to morph as soon as this baby enters the scene in 6 months.  But I am very grateful that I continue to learn and grow in my own life.

Chris

Definitions

Here is the thing I have been noticing lately. I am 31.  I know, not that huge of a revelation, but it is all that goes into the 31. It's the definitions that I have created in the past 31 years of my life.  Those wonderful definitions of things that made up my life....

Things like:

-shopping in the grocery store for all those wonderfully tasty processed foods, hot wings, meat bi-products, (and to to mention eating out at fast food McNugget joints)
-Going home and seeing the dishes left from last night's dinner and saying to your self...that can wait another day
-doing my laundry, drying it, and leaving it in the dryer so that every time you need a pair of underwear you go to the dryer and get it out.
-Knowing that it is -20 out with wind gusts of 50 mph and knowing that there is nothing that important outside that you will ever drag you out into the storm (Continue reading for the follow-up on this one)
-Having sleep patterns where I fell asleep where I am at when I am tired, never having a "bed time" or be woken up because you might be making a little noise...

Anyway, what I am saying is these definitions that I have created had become patterns in my life.  I think we all have those definitions in our life.  We have all created them.  And we make our rules and decisions based off of them.

Here is the thing. My definitions are different from my wifes. Did I say different? Good. Because that was the exact word I wanted to use. DIFFERENT.  For us I think these definitions became more clear as we moved into one another's space. I think we expected that one another was just so "amazing" so "wonderful" so "special" so "caring" so "loving" that we would not care about one another definitions we have been living by for the entirety of our lives.

Here are situations with each of our definitions:

-I grab something out of the fridge
         Me: How quick can i get done with the item i grabbed and put back into the fridge w/o closing the door.
        Kari: Close the door even if you walk away for 2.5 seconds.


-I am watching a show and it is 9:45
         ME: Finish the show
         Kari: Off to bed

- I just finished dinner
         Me: Turn on the T.V. put my feet up and relax for the night
         Kari: Scrub the kitchen till it sparkles

-I need to heat something in the microwave
         Me: I put it in the microwave and heat it
         Kari: Put it on a microwave safe plate, cover it with wax paper so it does not get everywhere and then   put it in the microwave.


I am learning that we each have own set.  The wonderful thing that I see though is since we have been married we are creating a whole new set of definitions together.  And I am finding that as we continue to make these up together, married life is continuing to be a wonderful thing. Our definitions that we are creating as a working married couple are giving us direction and understanding of one another as a couple, not as single individuals which we no longer are.  You see those old definitions are outdated.  All that truly matter are the ones we create as we grow with one another...

Ones like:

- It is time to pour our milk for dinner
      Me: I pour both glasses----Mine full, hers 3/4 full (I just know)

-As we leave Traverse City
      Me: I pull into McDonalds (without saying a word)
      Kari: Hands me $1.06 for our annual leaving Traverse diet coke we share

-My wife is coming home from a long day
         Me: I get food ready, turn t.v off and talk about day
         Kari: Comes in and shares her heart

-I am in a "funk"
       Me: I am grouchy
       Kari: Gives me space, talks, cares for me in a loving way


- It is -20 out with wind gusts of 50 mph and knowing that there is nothing that important outside that you will ever drag you out into the storm
       Me: I go out and get whatever my wife forgot in the car
       Kari: Knows I will do whatever it takes so she does not have to get cold

You see we are learning each other.  But more importantly we are redefining all that we know. And this is what I think marriage is. New definitions.

Life is About Perspective

So, it has been too long since I've taken the time to write, and why I chose today, I'm not really sure.  I guess it was probably the push from my sister-in-law or maybe the thought I had as I was reading a friend's post on Facebook today, but regardless, after spending an entire day doing eight loads of laundry and writing papers for my class, I decided I should write some more - but in reflection as opposed to learning. 

I started my day a bit angry at the world because of my current life situation...working on college projects every spare second of my life.  I go to work, come home, eat dinner and read or write for class.  My weekends occur on a rotating basis, on Friday nights I go to class, spend the night away from my husband, and go to class all day Saturday OR I spend the day on Saturday writing and reading for class while my husband works all day.  Yes.  I'm complaining.  This is the way my morning started, and then I came to a realization as I spoke with a friend and classmate about my frustrations.  She reminded me of a friend of hers who was attending her father's funeral today.  The same woman also lost her mom six months ago.  Perspective.  My life could be worse.  Isn't it true that life is about perspective.  I can continue to sit and be mad about my life, to feel sorry for myself and the lack of time I get to spend with my husband, or I can buckle down, do my work and rejoice in the many blessings that I have. 

And the Facebook post from a friend that I mentioned earlier...another opportunity to change my perspective.  The article was all about how dating and/or courting relationships don't prepare people for what it is like to be married and how newly married couples struggle so much with the day to day existence of living together, never being able to have time for themselves or to escape a situation when they get frustrated.  This was another opportunity for me to think about perspective.  I am so thankful for my husband.  We had many talks about marriage before we entered into the covenant together, we walked in with our eyes wide open to the realities of our similarities and differences, and above all, we have always acknowledged the need for communication.  We talk.  About everything.  Don't get me wrong, there are certainly times when I ask myself how many times I have to walk by the socks he left on the floor before they are going to magically disappear, and I've also wondered why he chooses to watch episodes of the Office over and over and over again.  And I'm SURE there have been many times when he has wondered things about my decisions and actions.  But, the reality is, we are able to work through these situations.  I'm not going to pretend that at some point along our journey of marriage we won't encounter a difficult time.  We very well may, but for now, I need to keep perspective.  I am thankful for the seemingly smooth transition we have had into this new world of marriage - almost 8 months down.  :)  Yes, yes, we still have a lot to learn. 

So, when Chris got home from work this afternoon, I talked him into a snowshoe.  I had been admiring the sunshine out the window as I worked all day.  I think the fresh air also helped clear my head and improved my perspective even more.  Honestly, I have NOTHING to complain about.  My college work will be over in a matter of months, I have an awesome marriage, and countless other blessings in my life for which I am so thankful.

Today, I'm thankful for a new perspective.
~Kari